In-Law Relationships

Remember when you first got engaged and that really patronizing older lady told you, "Well you know your not just marrying 'him,' right? You are also marrying his family."

Or was that just me?

Anyways. Turns out she was right! You are marrying his family, because guess what their are these things called children, which will be grandchildren or nieces and nephews. Their are also things called holidays. And you WILL have to decide which family you are going to open presents or eat a perfectly moist turkey with. Although to be honest, sometimes the turkey's I've had to eat have been less the perfectly moist (Looking at you Thanksgiving 2012...).

A positive relationship with your in-laws would make those holidays a lot easier, as well as making the incessant requests for baby pictures from crazy grandparents much easier to tolerate. Thankfully, I've been blessed with awesome in-laws. Seriously, my sister-in-law Stacy is one of my best friends and I love spending time with my mother-in-law. She and I have an obsession with Deseret Book. We can spend hours in there together.

I think it is important to make an effort to develop positive relationships with your in-laws, not only because it makes those holidays a much less painful experience but I also think it helps your marriage to be stronger! When you have a positive relationship with your spouses family, your family really is integrated and it makes sure that your spouse doesn't feel torn in two. I can only imagine that if my husband's family and I didn't get along how he would feel. A positive relationship between you and your in laws definitely makes the "cleaving" that is so essential to a marriage more easily done.

Dispelling rumors...

When I first was investigating the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my family had a LOT of concerns. The number one concern that was brought up was the roles and ideas surrounding genders within the Church.

I don't know how many times family members asked me if women were equal to men in the Church. I even had an Uncle tell me that men were told by Church Leaders that they were to rule over their wives because they were superior.

For a while this concerned me for really obvious reasons, but it also left me really confused. What my family was telling me was not fitting in with what Sister Olson and Sister Reyes were teaching me.

When I voiced my concerns about this to the the missionaries and the family that was fellowshipping me into the Church, they told me to do my own research on lds.org and to see what I thought. Nothing I found told me that I the Church I was looking into was what my family was telling me. Everything I was reading and seeing was showing me that this was the direct opposite.

When I was reading Richard Miller's article, "Who is the Boss? Power relationships in Marriage" I was instantly brought back to the experience that I just related. This article states that marriage should be a partnership between man and wife, not a dictatorship. I think that is such an important thing to be practiced in marriage.

A lot of times it is easy to dominate your relationship or to even be passive within your marriage and when that happens, you begin to lose the "partnership" and you venture into "leader and follower" or a dictatorship. And when that happens the happiness in the family can drain out and the Spirit can't be felt as much.

Can in marriage infidelity be prevented?

My answer to this question is a resounding yes!

Here are a few steps that you can take to prevent infidelity in your marriage:

1. Base your relationship on the firm foundation with Jesus Christ. If you haven't done this already, start today. Have scripture study, by yourself and with your spouse! Have FHE with your family, even if your family is just you and your spouse. Make Church a priority, but first and foremost make your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ a priority.

2. Treasure your marriage. Make your marriage your number one priority, even over your kids. Hold on, hold on. I can just hear all the parents, especially my fellow Mommy's roaring with indignation. Your kids need you to be with their other parent and they need you to be happy! When you are happy, you can parent with righteous intentions. So with that being said, go on a consistent date night. Talk with your spouse, often. Make sure you know what is going on within your spouse's world! Make your spouse feel special. Send them special text messages, call just to say hi, make sure that they know that they are a priority for you.

3. Have boundaries with members of the opposite sex. Somethings I have always kept in mind when dealing with the opposite sex are:

             1. Don't go out alone with the opposite sex. This one feels like a no brainier sometimes. 
             2. Don't keep secrets from your spouse.
             3. Again, a no brainer here, but don't flirt with anybody but your spouse. Flirting can feel innocent. But it never is!
       
I think all of these steps are really important, but I think the one that deserves the most focus is number three. Why should you have boundaries?   

Anybody can give into temptation and I mean anybody. Why risk giving into temptation? Boundaries protect you and they protect your spouse. Temptation and sin feel innocent in the beginning! Keep that in mind!         

Forgiveness in Marriage

I've often seen this pin floating around Pinterest. You probably have as well!

I can't help but agree. And here is why. 

I love my husband. So very, very much. And honestly, who wouldn't! He is pretty darn near perfect. He is an amazing, attentive, loving, thoughtful, passionate, caring husband. He is an even more amazing Father. 

But guess what guys?

I married a sinner. Not an angel.

We all did/will! And that means sooner or later they are going to make mistakes. If we withhold forgiveness from them, not only are we being unkind we are also being unchristlike. Haven't we been charged by the Savior himself to "Love one another as I have loved you?"

How does Christ love us?

Christ loves us by remembering our eternal worth, even when we screw up. Because we all have and will screw up. We all make small and large mistakes. At least I have. Man have I made some MONUMENTAL mistakes. Both in and out of my marriage.

Christ loves us by taking our mistakes upon himself and atoning for our mistakes or more eloquently put our mistakes.

Christ loves us by being our advocate with the Father.

Christ loves us by keeping his arms open wide for us, WHENEVER we need his comfort.

In short, he loves us by forgiving us. So if we are truly to love as Christ loves, we should forgive our spouse. We only get to go back home if we have spent our lives, living and acting as the Savior would. We are on a journey back home to our Father in Heaven with our spouse in the passenger seat. Although I like to think that Jason is driving. I really don't like to drive ;).

Pride in Marriage

Pride is a funny thing.

Often we are told to take pride in our work or our lives and I don't necessarily think that that is a bad thing! But is there a place or room for pride in marriage? The Guide to the Scriptures tells us that pride is...

"A lack or absence of humility or teachableness. Pride sets people in opposition to each other and to God. A proud person sets himself above those around him and follows his own will rather than God’s will. Conceit, envy, hardheartedness, and haughtiness are also typical of a proud person."

I think that this can definitely manifest itself in marriage. As I sit here contemplating this topic, I remember exchanges between my husband and I wherein I was not the most teachable. I truly believe that when you are married, one of your responsibilities to your spouse is to help them become more like the Savior, by loving them, not by lecturing them or by nagging them into submission. When my husband and I were sealed, our sealer told us something that has always stuck with me and something I try to remember everyday. He said, "It is the Lord's responsibility to change your spouse. It is your responsibility to change yourself and love your spouse."  I think that pride shows itself in marriage when we begin to lose sight of that principle. When we begin focusing on our spouses faults and not our own improvements, we are demonstrating pride. We need to remember to love one another and focus on our own improvements and relationship with Father in Heaven and your spouse.

Why is it hard to maintain a love map?

Love maps are hard to maintain over a period of time for a very simple reason.

People change, people grow. 

What was true one year, might not be true the next!

For instance last year something I was worried about was getting my daughter weaned from breast to bottle. This year that is not even on my list of worries. This year I am worrying about a lot of things, like my pregnancy, balancing a newborn with my last semester of classes and making sure my husband has enough time to do all of his homework. 

I think another reason that it is difficult to maintain a love map over a period of time is simply because a lot of times as life and marriage gets filled with more variables such as children and new jobs, time to discuss each other's worlds decreases by quite a lot. 

The only way to combat these changes and developments is to make deliberate choices to get to know each other every day and to get to know our spouses worlds. 

The Natural Man...

Mosiah 3:19 states, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

This scripture is pretty clear. The natural man is an enemy to God. So let's just not be the natural man, right? 

If only it was that easy! 

Every person struggles with the natural man and I would even say that every person struggles with their own version of the natural man. Everybody has different struggles. 

I struggle a lot with keeping my focus on goodly things. For instance, I love TV. And often times the shows that I enjoy don't invite the Spirit and my husband has to remind me that "We seek after goodly things.."

Where I struggle, another will flourish. Maybe watching TV isn't something that you struggle with, but I am sure you struggle with something of the natural man. 

Everybody will also have different strategies to "put off the natural man." For me, I really depend on my husband and my daughter to keep me in check. Before I watch a TV show or movie, I ask myself if my husband would watch it or if I would be comfortable watching it with my daughter. Another thing I have started to do is to ask myself, "Would I be comfortable if the Savior sat down and watched this with me?"

My husband and I have a quote on our wall that says: 

"Christ is the head of this house, An unseen guest at every meal and a silent listener to every conversation."

I think it is really important to remember that and by doing things that keep the Savior present in our homes, we can shirk off the natural man.

Three Wolves...

In Bruce C. Hafen's talk, "Covenant Marriage" he introduces the three wolves that can endanger a marriage.

The first wolf, is natural adversity. Natural adversity is the trials that come from life. Life is never trial free. Even the Savior, who lived a perfect life, had trials. Adversity and pain comes to everybody. Some couples go through trials of loss, infertility and financial woes.

The second wolf are the imperfections of spouses within a marriage and how those imperfections create issues within the marriage. For example, when one spouse is more critical then they are praising of their spouse, it can create more issues within the marriage.

The third wolf is outside attitudes such as individualism working its way between spouses. In today's society "I" comes before "we" no matter what. My own family has often said things to me like, "Why burden yourself with more children? Go see the world with your husband, make memories, do something else with your life... etc." In my opinion and I think that my opinion matches up with the Lord's, there is nothing greater that I could do with my life than be a mother or be a wife. I am working my way towards perfection or becoming more Christ-like. That is my goal in life and society's attitudes seem to completely ignore that.

In my opinion, the most dangerous of these wolves is the second one. We can attempt to block the outside world and we will always deal with natural adversity. But, unless we confront our imperfections and work on them, there is nothing we can do to protect our marriages.

In my marriage, something that I have to constantly be aware of is my anxiety issues. My anxiety issues come from some earlier abandonment issues from my childhood. My father left my family when I was 2.5 and he never came back. This has caused a lot of issues for me and my husband. My anxieties make me really insecure in my relationship with my husband. The first year was really difficult for us, simply because we hadn't learned to communicate about the emotions I was feeling. My husband and I finally discovered that when I was feeling particularly insecure about aspects of our relationship, I needed to bring them up in a non-confrontational way and let my husband know what I am feeling. It is now a running joke in my home to say, "I'm only telling you this because I know you can't read my mind..."

We've discovered that communication is a key way that we can protect our marriage, but is not the easiest thing in the world. We have to constantly work on this. It reminds me of what Professor Mad-Eye Moody (Harry Potter) always says, "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!"

Protecting the Divine Institution of Marriage

So much of the reading this week had to do with the legal side of marriage and how we can protect it. As I sat reading the articles that were assigned I could not help but think about a different side of it. 

Maybe it is just where my mind is at this time in my life as a Mother, but I just kept thinking, what can I do for my children to protect marriage? 

I am only one person. I only have so much influence over the world. 

But then, in Relief Society this week a lesson was given on Motherhood and the divine power we have as mothers. 

The lesson was based mostly on this talk by Sheri L. Dew titled, Are We Not All Mothers? . A quote was shared from this talk that really struck me. Here it is: 

"Have you ever wondered why prophets have taught the doctrine of motherhood—and it is doctrine—again and again? I have. I have thought long and hard about the work of women of God. And I have wrestled with what the doctrine of motherhood means for all of us. This issue has driven me to my knees, to the scriptures, and to the temple—all of which teach an ennobling doctrine regarding our most crucial role as women. It is a doctrine about which we must be clear if we hope to stand “steadfast and immovable” ² regarding the issues that swirl around our gender. For Satan has declared war on motherhood. He knows that those who rock the cradle can rock his earthly empire. And he knows that without righteous mothers loving and leading the next generation, the kingdom of God will fail."

Satan knows that those who rock the cradle can rock his earthly empire. Was it not the teachings of their Mother's that brought the Son's of Helamen comfort? For they said, "We do not doubt, our mothers knew it." 

What was it that their Mother's knew? 

They knew and obviously taught the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

They taught their son's not only WHO they are but WHOSE they are. 

To me, that is the most important thing I can do personally to protect the divine institution of marriage. Teach my children the Gospel of Jesus Christ both in word and in deed. By doing this I will raise strong sons and daughters who will hopefully go on to teach my grandchildren the same things. By doing this I will raise sons and daughters who not only know the right thing to do, but who will actually do the right thing when called upon. 

Protecting my Family

“Many of the social restraints which in the past have helped to reinforce and to shore up the family are dissolving and disappearing. The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.”

  - Spencer W. Kimball, Ensign, Nov. 1980, 4

This quote makes me think about what it actually means to believe in family. I've never actually thought about it before, simply because I have always accepted that my ideas surrounding family was the same as everybody else. Which to a point, is true. Due to my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I tend to surround myself with other members of that faith who tend to have the same general ideas of family. 

I think that in order to fully understand this quote, we have to understand what is meant by the word believe. Believe, according to the dictionary means, "to accept as truth or to feel sure of the truth of something..." Is the family true? This seems to be a silly question. How can something like the family be true or false? The family just is right? 

What would make a family true? 

Is the truth of family based on if they are a "good" or "bad" family? I am hesitant to say that this makes families true as the ideas behind what makes a family good or what makes a family are really subjective. My idea of a good family is very different from another person's ideas regarding what a good family is. 

Is the truth of family based on its structure? Is it only true if a family has both a Mom and Dad? While I believe that a husband and wife are the best platform in which to raise a family, I am also hesitant to say that a family is only true if it fits into a certain mold. Families come in many shapes and sizes. Some are divorced, some are widowed or widowers. 

I think the distinction here is that the biological connections of family just are, but the spiritual and emotional connections forged within a family are what makes the family true. They can have the qualities of sincerity, loyalty, honesty and unwavering love.  So in that way, I believe the family is true. 

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have been taught that the family is central to the Lord's plan for us and needs to be central in our lives. 

I think that to believe in family means to believe that family is important, that it is central to our lives and a way to make our lives richer. 

How can we protect the family? My husband and I have discussed this in depth quite a few times. I think the more and more I have thought about this, that the way I can protect my family is by making my marriage a priority. There are so many things in life that can distract me from my marriage whether it be my daughter, my pregnancy, my internship or the 15 credits I am taking in order to graduate this semester. This doesn't even include keeping my house clean, which with a two year old is difficult. 

I've read somewhere that cleaning with a toddler is like brushing your teeth while eating a box of oreo's. This is no exaggeration. 

Once my husband and I came to this conclusion, we decided that we would set aside one night a week to just be with each other. No electronics, no movies and nothing to distract us from being with one another. Sometimes this takes the form of a date but more often then not, we end up doing the dishes together had getting to actually have conversations, which are surprisingly difficult to come by in our lives at this moment. 

Another way for us to protect our family is to make sure that the Gospel is at the center of our lives and our decisions. In order to this we have made more distinct efforts to have family prayers as often as we can, family scripture study, keep up on tithing, temple attendance, family home evening and personal spiritual development activities (Scripture study, prayers..etc). Sometimes we fail at some of these things, but we are getting better and I completely believe that the point of this life is to progress towards perfection, not to achieve perfection in this life. Right?